The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
