apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
