nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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