You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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