the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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