I can tuck mytits in my pants
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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