i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
