Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
