I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
