I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I am midnight drunk by noon
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
