I wish I could punch you in the face.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Less talking, more tequila
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
