I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
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All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
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She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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