um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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