So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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