Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
