Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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