Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
