Princesses don't give blow jobs
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
