I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
