Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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