do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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