Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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