I looked at my own cervix.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
