battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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