I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.