Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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