pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
