why didn't you poke me back
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
