I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
