JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
