I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
