Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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