one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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