something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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