Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
