my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
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I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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