shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
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I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
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You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day