i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
