it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
