I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
