I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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