he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
