so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
