She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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