everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
