Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
