In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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