i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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