he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
