I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
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I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
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I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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