Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
