Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
