she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
