Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
