Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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