I bet he comes in French.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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