i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
