you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
