i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
