sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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