We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes