I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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