Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
